Crossroads

It has been a while since I had something I had to say, but now I think I do. At least maybe I need to say this, whether it matters or not is open to interpretation. Oh well, it is your choice to decide if this matters or not.

It seems like I am at several crossroads in my life right now. So many parts of my world are in turmoil and I sometimes feel like I won't be able to get them under control. Certainly people feel like this all the time, but now I have to figure out how I am going to deal with this and what choices I should make.

I have a business opportunity that I may be able to get into and it seems like this could be a wonderful thing for my life and peace of mind. It is what I have envisioned for my life for several years now and feel I would find great joy doing this. There are going to be numerous pitfalls and difficulties just to get started, not to mention once things are up and rolling. But it is something I really want to do.

There are so many things in my personal world that are going to be difficult for many, many reasons and years. Many times I wonder how I could get through these and come out the other side alive and possibly sane! ARGH!!! That is a large source of my fear every moment of every day. Feeling this is what happens as we grow and mature, but I have fears of what is going to happen and how I will deal with it. I have always been able to get through before but I just don't feel the strength I have had before and that worries me.

There are so many things I see that I feel responsible for and don't feel like I have control of. I am not sure how I have come to feel this out of control of my life but I have and it is frightening. So many adult things that I seem to be struggling with right now it makes me wonder how other people seem to float through the world. Do they have a secret recipe to make all of life seem easy, or do they detach themselves so that no one is counting on them for anything?

People are counting on me for so much and I don't always feel I am the person to be counted on for that kind of support. Right now I think my personal strength is at an all time low and it causes me to wonder if I can regain it. I really need to recharge my "life batteries" and move forward but am not certain that it will be easily possible for me. Each time I seem to get some fuel in me to go forward I feel like I am getting shot down by life, is that really possible or am I just not seeing how the opportunities are presenting themselves? Things happen and I believe they always happen for a reason yet as of late I am having trouble seeing what those reasons are and how these things should apply to my life. This is the confusion that is hounding my thoughts right now.

I feel caught between whether I should live the status quo or move into something different. And there are people counting on me for a variety of things and I can't see a way to get past that right now. I don't want to let them down but in many ways I can't see how I can keep up this without letting someone down. So many times before in life I have hoisted the "world" onto my shoulders and soldiered on but I just don't feel like I can do that anymore, or at least not right now. It gives me a feeling of helplessness that is foreboding and overwhelming for someone like me. I have usually been the person who can plow forward without fear and yet now there are many, many fears hounding my mind. And now I cant get them out of there.

ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!